The feeling I've adopted each day, as I walk around the schoolyard, my house, or wherever I am is one of pure, uncomfortable nakedness. I feel naked, standing in front of millions of people without any clothes on. Vulnerable. Utterly and completely weak. Yes, I am indeed over dramatizing but (sadly) the feelings that I have just described in rather vivid detail is scarily close to the thoughts that have been parading through my mind for these past three days. The suffering and longing increases, like a bad breakup, and you feel like a very important, vital part of yourself has gotten up and just walked away. With no warning, packed it's things, flipped you off, and left with reckless abandon. And my right pocket, (he) is just as depressed and melancholy (if not more), than I am. I assumed that he (yes my right pocket is a guy. The left is a girl. No gender discrimination here), looked forward to the company of an iPhone 4S by his side everyday, a best friend to spend his mornings, afternoons and evenings with. Now, that best friend is gone and I can almost feel the emptiness inside his pocket heart, pining for his loving, faithful companion. Now he has to settle for a new friend. CHAP STICK. Chap stick is simply not as satisfying as his old friend. He's a small, often painfully annoying object, constantly rolling around the pocket from side to side, very unsure of what spot he wants to take. iPhone 4S was more certain and always stayed still. Chap stick is just a pain in the ass.
I noticed that story became progressively weirder, (somewhat) creepy, and juvenile as it dragged and trudged along. Like the chap stick is unsure of where to stay in the pocket, I am often unsure of what the f**k I am writing. Hopefully, you the viewer found a bit of strange appeal in the previous paragraph...it was probably a lot more fun to write than read
What I was unsuccessfully trying to accomplish in my 1st paragraph was state the obvious facts. This sucks. A lot. Not more than I initially anticipated, since I was expecting this week to put me through the shitter and force the inevitable evolution from boy to man (which I don't think is going to happen because...c'mon. Cameron Chang and maturity don't belong in any sentence together no matter what the context), but I'm technically "suffering" and I use the word technically because from San Diego adolescent point of view, I'm going through the fiery, deadly pit of hell, hanging with Mr. Devil himself. But, you know, from an ENTIRE WORLD standpoint, I don't have a single problem. I'm still incredibly privileged and really don't realize just how lucky I have it. OK, I know this has nothing to do with the topic at hand but let's just take a moment to realize how ungrateful teenagers in San Diego (at the least the area that I live) and other wealthy locations on earth are. I do firmly believe that ALL people have problems, but the ones that me and many of my friends are dealing with are SO FREAKIN STUPID. Come on guys. Get over yourselves. Look at your life! Look how good you've got it! I know that had nothing to with the blog, but, man, I just had to get that off my chest. Feels good. Not good enough to get over my current problems, but you could say I'm at a more peaceful state at the moment. (This might be the most hypocritical blog I've ever seen)
To all of you (haha, all. Ya right), I say hello and good day. If you are still reading this blog you must really not get out much. But I'm not complaining. I don't know anyone my age who has done this before, so I sincerely hope that people read this so they can see how an average adolescent would cope with complicated feelings in this "dire" situation. So far, not so great. Will power (the main topic discussed on Day 2) is still heavily in my favor, because as I type away on my laptop, using the INTERNET, I only have the slightest and most utterly minuscule impulse to use it for entertainment purposes. Very small. Little. OK medium. Above average. OK, I'm dying here. I'M DYING HERE (if you got that movie reference, good job) Speaking of movies that's ANOTHER thing that is out of my disposal this week. Now if you know me, you know I'm kinda sorta REALLY obsessed with motion pictures. So to deprive the poor, innocent Asian child Cameron Chang of the art of film making for a week is liking rudely stealing candy from a very hungry baby. OK, if you did that you would be the biggest asshole ever and a mean spirited person who needs to see a therapist. That is messed up. Go rethink of your life for a sec (I'm talking about the baby scenario, of course. God, I'm not THAT Narcissistic).
Thankfully, I'm the only in this house that doesn't have a TV, which initially pissed me off (and at times still does like REALLY GUYS. EVERYONE GETS ONE BUT ME, REAL COOL). However, at this moment in time, I couldn't be happier about that fact. You know how painful it would be to attempt to do homework and fall asleep right in a front of a sizeable flat screen television? I would go through perilous struggles to fall asleep, as the evil black screen in front of me whispers in a terrifying yet seductive voice, "Cameron. You know you wanna waaaattttcchhh iiiiiiiittt. Waaaaattccchhh iiitttt Cameron. WAAAATTTTTTCCCHHHH ITTTTTT. Not getting night terrors is the preferred nighttime state for myself, so I'm grateful we dodged that bullet.
Throughout this week, as you are well aware, I've really, really missed my phone. I mean phones are so great. Aren't phones great? They're great. And while it's been sad for me to not have it by my side in that right pocket, I never felt like I had a lost a valuable, vitally important necessity. Until today. Today I realized, people like me NEED phones. And I'm not saying this in the format of a pretentious, rebellious elementary school persuasive essay. No. We, I, need it. I'm a busy person living with an active, busy family. And sometimes we are stuck in busy situations. Like today for example. My mom (basically) had to be in three places at once and I was completely unaware how she was going to do that, and was unaware until she picked me up from rehearsal at my school at 5:15. It would've been really, REALLY convenient to have had a phone with me so that I could have been in the know with what was going on. Instead I had NO FREAKIN IDEA, and it concerned me throughout the day how, exactly, my mom was gonna pull it off. If I had had a phone, I would've been aware of how the situation was resolving itself, putting my fears at ease. So there you go uptight parents. I think teenagers do need phones. You heard it hear first.
There's also a great amount of paranoia that comes with not consistently knowing the time of day. Yes, classrooms have clocks, I'm well aware. But (I'm not making this up. I'm sure an unbiased panel of fellow adolescents would gladly back me up on this), there's something about getting the time of day from your phone that is much more reassuring. If it sounds a little crazy, well, that's cause it is. I can't stress enough the insane amount of dependency teenagers have for their cellular devices. That wasn't the 1st time I've mentioned it in this blog and it won't be the last.
The school day today was alright. Not BRUTALLY painful. I have noticed, however, that days are getting longer and longer, as if time is moving at a snail's pace with each passing second. Sounds agonizing? Well it kind of is. Also it kills (and I'm using that in the negative context. We teenagers tend to use kill in an exciting or positive context, i.e. "I killed the audition man", or "that song kills"! The one just used, however, was in a derogatory context. I'm sure this was skimmed over by most because, I mean, who really wants to take the time and effort to read what's in the frickin parentheses am I right? Anyway, I though clarification on context would be sufficient) not to be able to look up translations in Spanish class on my phone. Instead I have to use the...wait for it...English Spanish Dictionary. Dictionaries simply weren't designed for people like myself, because I am lazy. I don't want to have to freakin find foreign stuff I'm not familiar with, in a big-ass book with big-ass words and figure out which definition, of the word that I had to squint to find, is the right one out of like 15 billion definitions?
At night though, the desire grew to an alarming, all time high. I was breathing heavily. My stomach hurt, and I pitied my "tragic" loss. What I need to do, in order to get through what is turning into one of the slowest weeks of my life, is this: Put my life into perspective and just suck it up. If I can do that, then I'm golden.
Day 3 has finished, and so we move on to Day 4 which is Friday; the start of the weekend. If it seemed like I was bored during the school week OH MAN. You ain't seen nothing yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment